Monday, March 15, 2010

Always a Bridesmaid

I'm getting pretty good at the Bridesmaid thing.

The first time I was in a wedding party was as a Junior Bridesmaid for my cousin. I was in Grade 7 or 8 and my gracious response to being asked was to turn to my little sister and say "See!? I TOLD you I would get to be in a wedding."


I remember the stress of ordering a taller dress because I grew almost a foot from the time the dress was ordered in the spring, to the wedding in October. It was a chiffony, frothy, youthful dress with cap sleeves - very appropriate for the age of the bridal party. The flowers were horrific - artificial and sparse, to the point that you could see the oasis in the centre. The rigid plastic handle was coated with florist tape and made my hands smell. The arrangement in general left a bad taste in my mouth, so much so that I cannot imagine artificial flowers in a bridal bouquet to this day. This couple is divorced.

Another cousin, this time I'm about 5 years older and getting ready to go to college. I'm the youngest bridesmaid (again) by far and also the tallest. The dresses are strapless and COTTON! Almost the same color and flower pattern as DRESS #1, but two diagonal ruffles make it MUCH more mature. We carry boutiques of lilies, which is my first tell tale sign that I have raging allergies. The pollen makes me carry the flowers as low and away from my face as possible. We have ratty looking pieces of net tucked into our hair and the color pulled out as the accent is Teal. My father is also in the wedding party but we are not partnered, unfortunately, as there is a difference between an usher with experience and a guy who is just showing up for the free bar. Guess which one I got....? He didn't realize he couldn't wear his Jesus sandals with a tux. The upside - I get my first ride in a limo - oh, and The Big Guy came as my date and asked me that night if I would consider marrying him at some point down the road. Yup - great dress! This couple is still together.

SIDE NOTE: I actually DO wear this dress again - have a cute white bolero jacket made and wear this to my future brother-in-law's wedding (and they are still together!!). I actually have some one come up to me and ask if I'm a MODEL. Ok, so, they were drunk....STILL COUNTS!!! I wear it again to my college graduation - again with the jacket. In essence, for an expensive cotton dress, it paid for itself.

A friend from college called me up to catch up one day and told me she was getting married. I conveyed my congratulations and she replied, "Thanks! Do you want to be in the wedding party?" Thinking this was an option based response opportunity I said, "Oh that's ok, I'm sure you have plenty of family you'll want to have stand up with you." The silence indicated she didn't and she meant that to be my official invite to the bridal party... It became pretty evident that I was asked to participate based on my organizational skills, the fact that I had previous experience and I didn't horrify her when I put on a dress. It's too bad the dress she picked was pretty horrific. Navy shot with black, this dress was dark, didn't breath well and had a dropped hem at the back. This presented a problem as I was the tallest girl (again) and my hem didn't brush the floor like the rest of the dresses. Cha-Ching$$ I get to order more fabric. We carry artificial flowers (again) and I vow to myself that I will NEVER consider plastic and fabric flowers good enough for a bridal bouquet. Especially DARK NAVY BLUE FLOWERS. The usher I was paired with was homely, anti-social and at times, rude. The highlight of this wedding was the Blue Jays won their first World Series Championship - none of the guys (and me when I could help it) were on the dance for as they/we were crammed into the bar area where the bartender had brought in a little portable TV. I figured it was fair turn about, since the bride walked up to me during the meal and informed me I had to give a speech to the groomsmen, as the maid of honor who was little if any help during the showers and wedding prep, was also too illiterate to speak in front of a room of family and friends... The couple is still together.

I'm married by this time (more on that another time) and I'm a pro when it comes to the ins and outs of weddings, bridesmaids dresses and the like. I know when someone says "Now THIS dress you can wear again!" most times they are lying. In the case of this wedding, I actually REALLY liked the dress and still have it, in the off chance I can find a way to wear it again. Dark green sheath, off the shoulder runched portrait collar/off the shoulder. Has a broach on the hip where the runching comes off the shoulder, down the bodice and hits the hip. Very clean and classy. Had a blast in this wedding and was the luckiest girl for having not one, but TWO ushers to partner with - both of whom were a kick. Real flowers, thank God, and although they are lilies, they don't seem to bother me as much. We do photos before the ceremony which is unsettling to say the least, but it didn't seem to jinx the day - this couple is still together.

When my childhood friend got engaged and asked me to be in her wedding party, I automatically knew what color the dresses would be - PURPLE. Now, not Barney purple, but more of a deep lilac. Easily the best flowers ever - the bride's aunt owned a flower shop - but the dress was the most expensive to date. Made by a seamstress who couldn't seem to make the style work on me without making me look like a football player, the purple dress had puffy sleeves, a sweetheart neckline and full skirt. Again, the tallest - I need extra fabric. Any shot of me looks like I'm the bride's bodyguard. The upside - got to hang all day with the bride's brother - a dear friend, who has unfortunately had the experience of babysitting me. It was all fun and laughs until the photographer made the bride emotional and I was convinced her two military trained brothers were going to rip him limb from limb - since they threatened to do just that. This couple got divorced.

This is my sister's first wedding and I'm the Matron of Honor - appropriate since I look every "inch" a "Matron". As mentioned previously, I'm still hormonal from giving birth three months previous. The color is nice - gold, and the empire waist is very forgiving. The scoop neck, however, highlights my engorged assets and I padded my nursing bra to prevent leaks on top of it all. You could have set dinner on my chest. We carry a single rose, which is very nice and minimal, except I needed a wheelbarrow full of peonies to camoflague the ass I have grown. The shortest guy in the wedding party is the Best Man and we look like I could kill him if a shift my weight or decide to eat him. This couple got divorced.

DRESS #7This outfit didn't actually get worn because I had to cancel as a bridesmaid. A navy blue dressy short and tailored top - it was a little unorthodox because I was 6 months preggers with Second Born Son and it's a September wedding in Florida. My childhood friend was getting married for a second time and thinking that I was not the bad luck omen that tanked the first union, asked me to be her attendant in her second nuptials. I had to back out about a month before due to some quirkiness in my pregnancy that made flying a little riskier. This couple is still together.

Can't tell you about this one until after May 21 2010!!! Stay tuned!!!

Want a chuckle, check out - "Tatoos & Skanks" is hilarious!!!

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